So who are you? I’ve always answered this question by what I do or what I believe and
by the judgments I make. . It’s only been in the last 3 years reading Tolle,
Williamson, Dyer, and taking a Course in Miracles that I’ve come to identify myself
with a state of consciousness or awareness. As part of this changed perception of myself
I have been slowly letting go of “me.” I am still operating in this world as me , Gary W.
Ledson, who introduces himself as a “Miracle Worker”, chops wood, grows a garden, is
on a men’s team, follows sports, loves his wife and 4 children, and believes and judges
all kinds of things. But more and more, all this “stuff” is fading, growing dimmer, drives
me less, is less significant to who I am.
“As you are in Heaven you are Eternally and everywhere: You are the same Forever.” (Liz Cronkhite’s translation of A Course in Miracles T-26.I.7)
Love attracts love. Love expands itself. Love joins love. Love loves itself. Everything
happens in our Mind. We give value to the neutral world outside us. I am becoming more
and more that which I am/love.
I’m still in a tug a war with myself. My me-ness, my special importance, my
making a difference, versus, being who I am /love. My ego screams, “ What the heck are
you doing? You are losing me.” My struggle is laughable. I take “me” so
seriously. I am afraid to lose “me.” Liz’s translation reminds me again,
“As you are in Heaven you are Eternally and everywhere: you are the same forever."
You are same Forever
You are Forever
Part Two
Ask for help? I used to do it a lot when a little boy. It was easy. It was what you were
asked to do. Somewhere that changed. High School? It began to be turned against
you when you asked for help. ‘You are old enough now. You need to start
figuring things out for yourself.’ It was part of the weaning process. Or, maybe they
were just too tired or busy. Or, they didn’t really know the answer themselves and I was
too old for them to fake it. In any case, asking for help made you look stupid and
immature. ‘It’s you against the world, son. You got to look after yourself. No one else
will.’ So, as an adult, I only asked for help when I was desperate or I was totally stuck.
like blowing up the my car engine, stranded. Or, when I got divorced and thought I
had no place to turn. Then I asked for help.
I’m on a men’s team. Have been after I got myself fired for stealing
money from 6 developmentally disabled adults I was in charge of. I was both desperate
and stuck(I thought). A man I trusted drove up next to me and asked “how I was
doing?” I told him the truth. I was desperate from the shame I was experiencing. I said,
“I’m not doing well. I need help.” He said, “Let’s have a cup of coffee. I might have
something for you.” It was the Sterling Men’s Weekend.
I paid for my weekend by auctioning off 16 hours of my labor for a $20.00 a ticket.
After the weekend I entered a circle of 55 men and asked for help getting fulltime work(I
had 4 children and a wife to support) They assigned me a financially successful man to
be my mentor. A week after that I was hired at a Ford, Mercury, Lincoln dealership as a
car salesman. I recently retired after 10 successful years in the car business.
I am still on a men’s team where we support each other unconditionally to be successful
in all parts of our lives. We do this by meeting once a week for 3 hrs., telling
the truth, and trusting the collective wisdom of the men. We challenge each other to be
‘the man we have always wanted to be.’ We do a lot of community service and share and
invite other men to join us.
After trying on numerous pictures of the man I wanted to be, I have gone
inside myself to connect to the Holy Spirit. I ask the Holy Spirit first now
before I ask the men. It’s more like an ongoing conversation with the Holy Spirit
than a single question. And, I ask for help long before I am desperate or stuck. Through
my men I have been able to face my shame, guilt, lack of worthiness, self righteous,
slimeyness, and arrogance. Through the Holy Spirit I have received forgiveness and
healing. This whole process started with me asking for help. And, maybe the key, being
willing to receive and accept the help from the men or the Holy Spirit. As Liz Cronkhite
translates A Course in Miracles(T-26.II.2):
feared is really the only Miracle
I feared love for so long. It felt like being naked in front of the student body. It felt
worse than that. They would look at you and then turn away, forever
My mother gave me an immeasurable gift. She killed herself and blamed me.
After defending myself and intellectualizing the pain for 25 years, I came to accept some
of the lessons in her death. I did blame myself. No, I didn’t force her to take the
overdose. My blame was I stopped loving her. At least, I tried to. I feared loving her
her any more. It hurt so bad to see her trying to kill herself. I shut down on her. And,
she called my bluff. It seemed that way for a long time.
Twenty five years went by raising and supporting with my wife our 4 children. I
was on a men’s team(still am) and increasingly getting angry and blaming myself and
others when we didn’t reach some agreed upon goals. One of the men said to me,
“Ledson, you need to do something about your anger.” I shortly did.
My youngest son was a member of a Lakota Sioux eneipi sweat lodge. He kepted
bugging me to go, and I finally did. Not to heal myself, not to forgive myself, not to
forgive my mother. I went to get Larry off my back and maybe I could sweat some of the
anger out of me.
More than that happened. A miracle occurred. It came through the spirits of the stones
and Grandfather(The Holy Spirit). I forgave my mother(Helen) and in so doing I forgave
myself. In the healing round(the third), in the deepest of inner concentration, my
mother(Helen) and I knelt together facing and immersed in the light of God. Tears of
Joy. I had forgiven myself forever for wishing my mother dead. I love her eternally and
her me.
I know now there are many forms of blame, guilt, and shame. They all stem for me
from a fear of God which boils down to a fear of loving myself and others. As
Liz Cronkhite translates from The Course in Miracles(T-26.IV.4)
“Only a miracle can change your mind so that you understand that Love cannot be feared. This is really the only miracle. What else do you need to make all separation disappear from you mind?”
Part Four
Everything that is God’s is yours without limits
Wow! This title is a translation by Liz Cronkhite form A Course in Miracles(T-26.
VII.14). It catches my breath. Where does one begin to wrap around it and make it
your own? For starters, let it in. Let it come as far as you can into your mind. Your
whole mind. Whatever this line means to you, let go of your walls holding it back. Open
yourself to it.
Let the breath of the Universe enter your being and wash it anew. We
are innocent, sinless, guiltless, created by God, perfect. Glory and Holiness shine like
beacons from us. I am God’s child without limit and so are you. So everyone is. Even
the terrorists. Even the people who hate themselves and project their venom onto the
rest of us. We are all One in God. Even when we say “No,” turn our backs, deny who we
are.
So why do we do I, you, a lot of us block ourselves from God? Why do we seperate
ourselves from who we are? I’d like to look at my main reason, not to punish myself,
or to feel more guilty, but to bring it to the surface , in the open, so that the Holy Spirit,
will correct my mistake.
I am arrogant. I have acted arrogantly most of my life.. My mother
called it “cocky.” My arrogance can take different forms. All the forms witness to me re-
placing God and his Will with me and my will. My arrogance is in judging for myself
by myself.
Sometimes my arrogance had me deciding I was inadequate and unworthy of God’s
Gifts so I acted “cocky.” Sometimes my arrogance had me deciding I was “hot stuff”
because of how much money I made, or the thing I bought, or the trip I took, or the
great “whatever” I did. There are a lot of shades to my arrogance. All of them have
in common me ‘making up’ who I am. All of them have in common me not accepting
myself. Not accepting that I am a part of God. In the end, my arrogance has always
sprung from my fear of loving myself. It always felt and looked like if I wasn’t arrogant
I would disappear and no one would know I even existed. Of course, just the opposite is
True.
I have spent most of my life looking for ‘my place’ in the world out in the world. I
looked for ‘my place’ in 4 different states and in over 40 jobs and even in Ethiopia for
2 years with the Peace Corps. I have come to realize that I was looking in the wrong
places to find out who I was and why I am here. All along ‘my home’, ‘my place’,
has been with me, inside my mind with God. God had never left but I had. I had
ignored God’s Will and Purpose for me: To love, forgive, and heal myself by loving,
forgiving, and healing others.
I am overwhelmed with Joy to grasp even the slightest that God loves me and you.
Always has, always will. Thank you, God.
Gary W. Ledson
PO Box 362, Kenwood, Ca 95452
707 944 9409, Ledson@mindless.com, www.santarosacoach.com
Part Five.
There is no gap between you and God
The gap is that place/space inside my mind where I attempt to split off from myself.
This space is the idea/wish inside my mind that I forgot God and perceive me as the
Cause of myself. In this gap, the world, everyone and everything in it, are perceived
as outside of myself. In this place, my body is seen as separated from my mind.
“The purpose of the gap is to keep you separated and in a body that you see as if it were the cause of your pain.”(Liz Cronkhite’s translation of A Course in Miracles T-28.III.4)
Like in a dream, we don’t see we are the dreamer. We don’t see ourselves causing
the dream. We just see ourselves in it being unfairly treated by something or some-
one.
The really good news in relation to the gap and everything is that the Holy Spirit has:
“Always kept God safely in your memory. The consequence of remembering God will indeed seem new because you thought you forgot their cause. But God was never absent from your mind because it is not God’s Will that Part of God forget God.” (Cronkhite’s translation of A Course in Miracles T-28.I.8)
One of the consequences of remembering God is you reconnect to your Innocence. My
Innocence has never been lost though I thought it had. In my gap I had layed a judgment
on God but like in my dream I saw Him condemning me. I have denied God and blamed
Him for it. I have been fearful of God who I made up as the Bad Guy. To face him
meant facing condemnation. I have long condemned God that which he never has done.
And, underneath all my fabrication and projection(my lies), I have long condemned
myself for breaking away from God. But, by clearing away or undoing(through the
Holy Spirit) all the interferences that my personal mind conjures up, I have never left
God nor God me.